So it’s been a few days since I posted, time honestly escaped me. I’ve been in an awesome mood. Work is going good, lots to do. Oftentimes, when I’m feeling good, I tend to think of bigger things than the menial tasks that dot my regular existence.
Tonight was an exceptionally clear night. The stars were amazing to behold. As a kid, I was mesmerized by the constellation of Orion. Growing up, I considered it my protector in a way. It was always there -with regularity. I could count on “him” to watch over me. “He” was magical. As an adult, I still hold that timeless awe with the constellation. My adult mind, busy with the world around me, sometimes prevents me from be holding the breadth of Orion -yet that awe remains.
More recently, I’ve been enthralled with another group of stars. Its a smaller group, shaped like a small kite. Each time I gaze up at it, I see different stars pop out. Its an amazing sight to behold! It may not hold the same significance to me as Orion, but it certainly indulges my interest in those twinkling lights that dot our nightly skies!
Today is the last day of my little mini vacation. I didn’t do much really. Just stayed at home and spent much needed time with family. Some may not realize this, but I do enjoy just relaxing. Sitting and doing completely nothing but engaging my own self interests. Relaxing. It’s been an overall delightful vacation. With the exception of my mood.
One symptom of bipolar that impacts me more than others is irritability. I get irritable at virtually anything: phones ringing, kids not minding, people not talking to me, and things not going how I think they should. I’ve done very well in containing my reaction to things that irritate me. However, at times, my mind seems to run non-stop. In dealing with the irritability, I often migrate into paranoid thoughts. I like to call this the domino and cascade effect. One thing begins, triggering another, triggering another…. until eventually, I close down. I’ve learned to deal with this via music, video games, and -yes- coffee.
I’m not sure how the little bean, roasted to perfection, lends itself to my mental well-being. Without it, the irritability is -without a doubt- extraordinarily hard to deal with. So, yes, it is a type of “self-medication.” It’s definitely healthier then my favorite comfort food: hamburgers.
So, yesterday was national coming out day -a day I didn’t know existed. My coming out story is probably no different than others. I was at work. My mom, who -through paranoia- was blessed with a sense of knowing when something bothered me, would ransack my room searching for any sign that I was up to no good. Whilst at work, she located my stash of created porn. I would take any image of a guy and create fanciful porn. Once found, she called me. The tone in her voice told me she knew. She was angry. When I got home, my stepfather was at the dining room table and she was by his side -along with his drunken friend. On the table, sprawled out for the world to see, was my treasured stash. They knew. I stood there to hear her lecture. My stepfather, drunk, just made slur after homophobic slur. I wanted to just disappear. The next morning, after I got ready for school, I went into the living room. My stepfather had a pack of Newport 100s on the table- my favorite brand of smokes at the time. He told me to sit down, grab my smokes, and talk. I was ready for the worst. To my surprise, he asked if I was honest with myself. I replied yes. He then said he already knew and -shock- that he was proud of me for being honest. While the past 20 years had seen us grow apart, I’ve not forgotten that day. I guess that’s reality.
So, here I am, back to blogging -or at least attempting to create something meaningful. To be honest, it’s been years since I devoted time to sharing my experience and thoughts. Where does one begin though? Do I just lay things out in the open for all to read and digest? Do I really open up my emotions, experiences, and relationships for the world to pick and pull apart? Yes. First world problems.
As the title suggests, I originally was going to start this blog out with a recollection of my life. I’m not going to do that though. My readers will have enough time to hear the story of how I grew up in poverty -the son of drug addicts and alcoholics. My readers will have enough time to read of my adventures in Chicago and my success -and failures- in studying music composition and anthropology. My readers will have plenty of time to learn of my experiences in coping with bipolar disorder I -and share in a recollection of my past as I view it now. Needless to say, there’s room for all of that and more.
Instead, I’ll devote this first post to random musings. I work two jobs. I have a large family. I’m single. I’m driven with a yearning to succeed in my endeavors -whatever I fancy at any given moment. I live. I laugh. I love. This blog will share my experience with bipolar disorder. It will be a repository of my experiences, my successes, and my failures. It will display my humility. It will display my humanity. It will display Jason.